There are times, when I am tired and just begin to crawl into bed, that I begin to think. Bad idea, you say, and I agree with you. It came to me, suddenly, that I am old! I don't feel old. I don't look particularly old, but the calendar doesn't lie. Getting old, and being old, don't necessarily cause me any angst, so what then is my problem?
I begin to reflect on my past. It was filled with great parents, wonderful experiences, (some joyful, some sad) that say to me; You've Lived! So many funny moments, moments filled with adventure and desire. People who have defined me in so many ways. My high school English teacher who opened my eyes to culture and art. My football coach who helped define my ideas of honor and teamwork. My fellow workers that shared a common burden and managed to keep their humanity. All good you say.
My problem is the idea that it all may be coming to an end! And that end is not that far away! I am a man of Faith and have Hope in Eternity, but I don't seem to be able to get away from the idea that "I" have an end! I don't want to end, I want to continue for ever. My mind says, silly man, "All men are mortal", but my gut says can't we work something out? It is disconcerting to have these thoughts, although, I imagine that I am not the only one who has them. So what are we to do? Maybe God is telling me, "Buck up, sissy pants". The reality is that all that thinking makes me depressed and vaguely anxious. I do not want to go "softly into the good night".
I am alive! I want to continue to think, act, dream and believe in life and action and laughter. I am looking forward to making new friends, finding new lovers, creating new art, and "boldly going where no person has ever been before". At least I want to stop worrying so much about it.
Got any thoughts?